NEW YORK, NY: Major League Baseball announced today that they were making their first suspension under the league's get-tough policy against gellin'.
Wilson Baquero, a middle reliever for the Kansas City Royals, faces a first-offense suspension of 50 games after his shoes tested positive for Dr. Scholl's Air-Pillo Gel Insoles.
"The very integrity of baseball is at stake in cases like this," intoned baseball commissioner Bud Selig. "We must re-assure the American public that the athletes that compete in our sport do so free of the pernicious influence of foot-cushioning gel."
"It was kind of obvious that Wilson was up to something," said a Royals clubhouse staffer who asked to remain anonymous. "He was so easy-going and didn't get annoyed at anything, even when the guys put heat in his jock for a like a week going. At one point I asked him, 'You gellin'?,' and he replied 'Like Andrew Mellon.' Wilson doesn't even know who Andrew Mellon was!"
While some expressed surprise that the first player caught under the new policy was relatively minor, scrutiny will continue to follow the league's top players. Barry Bonds, who could use the comfort and support of gel to help offset his chronically-bad knees, is under constant suspicion. Bonds refused comment, other than to direct people to his website, which is now solely running transcripts from Bazooka Joe comics.