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RUTLAND, VT: A Rutland man is suing Mexican food giant Taco Bell after he suffered second degree burns upon placing a soft taco in his pants.
Brian Johnson, a 23-year-old tractor repairman at Union Used Motors in North Adams, filed his complaint in Rutland Superior Court this morning. The claim states that while playing a game of truth or dare with co-workers Friday afternoon, Johnson was asked to reveal whether he had lusted after his mother at any point in his developmental years. Unable to answer for fear of ridicule, Johnson chose to accept a dare.
A friend of Johnson's, William Regal, then asked Johnson to take the remainder of his chicken soft taco and "shove it in" his pants. Sources close to the case also told the Gerbil that Regal demanded he "sit on it," and "make sure it gets good and swirled around in there."
"My client is an impressionable youth," said F. Bea Scheck, Johnson's attorney. "I mean, look at him. He's worn those overalls every day since he was 17. Taco Bell needs to better understand their audience, and work to prevent mishaps like these."
In a rare move, the claim goes as far to suggest safety warnings appear on all Taco Bell products. According to Scheck, it's a move long overdue in the fast food industry.
"They [Taco Bell] cannot assume Americans know not to jam their Cinnamon Twists up their nose," Scheck said. He added that all Chalupas should clearly be marked with "All your base are belong to us."
The suit requests $47.95 in monetary damages, or "the market value of Mike Tyson's next fight on pay-per-view." In addition, Johnson has requested new overalls, a set of sexy lady mud flaps for his 1998 Dodge Ram pickup, and generous amounts of balm to soothe his burning genitals.
Officials at Taco Bell could not be reached for comment, though an internal memo on the case forwarded to the Gerbil featured 26 expletives and the confusing phrase, "He must have thought it was a sheep."