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GREENFIELD, MA: Various members of the Gerbil staff have come to the startling conclusion that the faint, acrid odor noticed throughout the office since last Monday is, in fact, directly related to the presence of Todd Parkham, the new mail guy.
Acting Editor Jack Finch was the first to notice the odd odor, when Parkham delivered an important FedEx to Finch in his office.
"There ain't a whole lot of air in this place," explained Finch, "and before too long it smelled just like my aunt's attic. Well, it smelled like how my aunt's attic used to smell, before she went up in search of her Arbor Day decorations last year, tripped over my cousin's 10th grade art class project, snapped her neck, died, and laid there in the stifling heat for 3 weeks. After that, it smelled different."
The topic even made it to the pitch meeting for cover story articles, though the crisis in China threatened to relegate it to the back pages. "We figured having Americans detained in a semi-hostile country was pretty important," said Finch,"so we assigned the space to our best International writer, Kevin Anderson. Unfortunately, Kevin is also our only writer with actual experience in writing news, and soon found employment at the Easthampton Ledger Star."
Parkham is quick to defend himself; "I don't smell like nothin'", stated Parkham. "If they all gots a problem, then they all can fuckin' take it up with me personably."
Finch stated that if the problem does not subside, he will push an appearance clause past the union and require Parkham to have his wardrobe laundered, or at least splash some Obsession on before entering the building.