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DETROIT, MI: The Ford Motor Company introduced its model line-up for 2002 today, and among the familiar names like Mustang and Escort was the new, maxi-sized sport utility vehicle named the Emasculator.
"We looked at the SUV market, and found that males were actually under-represented. We assume it's the soccer moms that have driven the market to now," said J. Paul Thorne, a Ford spokesman. "We feel that the Emasculator will appeal to men who want to express their masculinity through their automobile."
The Emasculator is a slight deviation from Ford's SUV line. The company that created the Explorer, which some tag as the model that launched the SUV craze, followed with the Expedition, a much larger model. Ford then retrenched somewhat with the Escape, a smaller model more in line with the Nissan Pathfinder. They then presented the Excursion, which is similar to the Chevrolet Suburban.
The Emasculator is bigger. In every way. It measures 21 and a half feet in length, seven and a quarter feet wide, eight feet high, and weighs 7122 pounds. It seats 13, or 10 with luggage.
"It's not just the size that will appeal to men," noted Thorne. "It's the whole package; the size, the look, the roar of the engine, the whole magilla."
The Emasculator comes standard with 1.3 million candlepower halogen headlamps, a horn that measures local noise conditions to blow up to 120 decibels, and a glass-pack dual exhaust to proivde a throaty roar from its Triton V-16 engine. It is also only available in black, navy blue, and forest green, with buckskin leather upholstery, rainforest wood interior paneling, and endangered leatherback turtle inlays.
Ford dismissed environmental and safety concerns. "Men don't worry about gas milage. Men can pay for their gas," noted Thorne.
As for tire explosions that plagued the Explorer, Thorne quipped "Tires? Do you see any tires on this thing? The Emasculator runs on a full track, just like a tank."
The Ford Outfitter division also announced two pacakges for prospective buyers. The first, created in conjunction with Black and Decker, is the Handyman. It includes built in battery chargers for power tools, a drop light with a 100 foot cord that extends from under the front bumper, and a table saw built under the last row of seats.
The other Outfitter package, the General, is a special version endorsed by the US Army. It includes Kevlar-composite body paneling, night vision technology, smoke canister launcher, and a mount for a .50 calibre machine gun for "hunting."
"Any American male who does not own the Emasculator will be less of a man," Thorne proclaimed. "That or they're whipped."