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BAGHDAD, IRAQ: Sadaam Hussein, whose whereabouts and status have been in question since the first night of bombing in the current war between the US-led coalition and the Iraqi regime, announced today that he was alive and OK. Sort of.
"Yes, I am alive, feeling very well, and preparing to lead my people to victory" was the first line of Hussein's life-affirming statement, delivered by deputy information minister Omar Zahari to the Arab al-Jazeera network via videotape.
"I apologize for not appearing in person to verify that I am very much not dead, or even injured, but I am busy with the fight against the infidel and trying to find all of my homburg hats," the statement continued. "When I see you next I want to make sure that I represent you in a handsome fashion."
The statement continued by noting that "I wasn't even home when the bombing raid that tried to kill me was commenced. Uday, Qusay and I were all out getting date milkshakes when it happened. The boys are now out leading our heroic forces, so you may not see them for a long, long time."
The statement concluded by noting that "You will continue to hear that I am hurt or even dead. Be sure that, through my intermediaries and party loyalists, I will continue to trumpet my very much living status in places and times of my choosing, using video and audio tape, so as to confuse the Americans."
Zahiri caught at the temporary headquarters of the information ministry, said he had to go get "some things" from one of Hussein's palaces. "Sadaam is very unhappy if he does not have his personal items, which give his certainly living person so much joy," Zahiri said before speeding off in a jeep.