WASHINGTON, DC: In an move apparently made to soften Democratic opposition to Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, Senate Republicans approved the nomination of former President Bill Clinton to the ambassadorship of Temptation Island today.

WASHINGTON, DC: With a program that he hopes will lead to the reversal of Roe v. Wade, President Bush continued his "Return to 1972" plan by commissioning a study into the feasability of re-animating Jim Morrisson.

GREENFIELD, MA: Local authorities were unable to breach a snow fort built by Greenfield High School juniors who took a world history lesson a little too far, Greenfield police chief Elmer Tuttle reported today.

CHICAGO, IL: A local girl who moved to urban Chicago in the face of tragedy has found both love and a renewed dancing ability.

WASHINGTON, DC: An embarrased Republican Party admitted today that they forgot to invite former President Gerald Ford to the inauguration of President George W. Bush.

BUCKLAND FOUR CORNERS, MA: While the Nasdaq has plummeted and hundreds of Internet start-ups have closed their doors, local coffee shops and fast-food establishments have seen their staffs expand rapidly, adding highly-skilled dot-com refugees to their ranks.

GREENFIELD, MA: Local residents fed up with delays of the former Gerbil web page cried with joy today as they were once again connected with their own lane on the information superhighway.

GREENFIELD, MA: Jumping on the latest fad bandwagon, The Greenfield Gerbil has agreed to use the free software available from Blogger.com to manage the content of their site. Editorial staff believes that the management just wanted to kill all the developers.