RUTLAND, VT: A Rutland man is suing Mexican food giant Taco Bell after he suffered second degree burns upon placing a soft taco in his pants.

GREENFIELD, MA: Gerbil Founder and Editor in Chief Tim B. Gegato was recently spotted in West Springfield, Massachusetts, a mere 35 miles from the newspaper's headquarters.

New York, NY: Data from Census 2000 has finally been tallied, and the portion of New York City residents who classify themselves as "clinically insane" has risen for the fifth decade in a row.

Wilhena, MA: An explosion near a tank at the United Nougat plant in Wilhena led to a wave of nougat estimated at 20 feet high sweeping though this factory town late this morning.

GREENFIELD, MA: Showing that absence does not always make the heart grow fonder, the staff of the Gerbil failed to write or post any new stories for a month, since an article on a surprise appearance by a hot girl at an academic competition.