DETROIT, MI: The Ford Motor Company introduced its model line-up for 2002 today, and among the familiar names like Mustang and Escort was the new, maxi-sized sport utility vehicle named the Emasculator.

DAVIS, MA: A local man was arrested yesterday after a long police investigation led to the exhumation of his roommate from the basement of the house they shared for years.

GREENFIELD, MA: Various members of the Gerbil staff have come to the startling conclusion that the faint, acrid odor noticed throughout the office since last Monday is, in fact, directly related to the presence of Todd Parkham, the new mail guy.