GREENFIELD, MA: Local law enforcement authorities are dusting off old case files to re-open investigations focusing on a new possible suspect: Gary Condit.

FARLEY, MA: Jack Wallace, a recent emigré from California, maintains a devoted, insatiable love for the fast-food chain "Wienerschnitzel."

WASHINGTON, DC: President Bush, concerned over the current "status of recessification", is preparing a plan to "re-invigorize" the ailing economy that will be presented during a special joint session of Congress next week.

LOS ANGELES - Kidz Bop, a 2-CD set of modern pop songs toned down from radio versions, has roundly been determined to suck, clearly violating the promise in television and print advertisements saying "Kidz Bop Rocks!"

AGAWAM, MA: Inspectors at Six Flags New England announced today that the recent accident involving cars on Superman: Ride of Steel were caused by an undetermined amount of red kryptonite.

ELKHART, Ind.: Techno-geeks and slackers alike were stunned today when Stuart, spokes-dweeb for online stock broker Ameritrade was arrested and charged with the brutal murder of Steve, the teen pitchman for Dell Computers.

BOSTON, Mass. - Motivational speaker Anthony Robbins, speaking at Hynes Convention Center to open his three-day "Unleash The Power Within" seminar, permanently blinded a crowd of over 1,000 market leaders, government heads, professional athletes, top performing sales people, Fortune 500 executives, everyday heros and janitorial staff Friday when stage lighting reflected brightly off his award-winning smile.