GREENFIELD, MA: An eight year old boy was rushed to the Hampshire County Medical Center last night due to an overdose of phonics.

MIAMI, FL: In a show of classic Floridian respect for the letter and spirit of law, all six jurors and two alternates in the Simpson "Road Rage" case have approached Gerbil reporters, trying to sell their story that they plan to sentence Simpson to life imprisonment for allegedly ripping the glasses off of a motorist after an altercation at a traffic signal.

HOLLYWOOD, CA: In the spirit of entertainers doing their part to help after the atrocities of September 11, NBC announced today that they had dropped the cast of the situation comedy Inside Schwartz into Afghanistan to help bring alleged terrorist Osama bin Laden to justice.

GROSSE POINTE FARMS, MI: In a shocking reversal from the past seven years, The Man reported today that he is the one being kept down, rather than he being the one keeping others down.