WASHINGTON, DC: The Joint Select Committee on Teenage Violence released its report Friday after almost two years of investigation. The report's lead recommendation was for legislation requiring the bands The Dream Academy and The Cure to re-unite so "moody teens would have a musical outlet rather than take up guns."

RIVERSIDE, CA: Two of California's most intellectually challenged scam artists got the deal of a lifetime Monday when each sold the other a bill of goods.

CABOT COVE, ME: The once-prosperous fishing village of Cabot Cove lost its final resident sometime this weekend when its single remaining resident, former mystery writer Jessica Fletcher, took her own life.

ANAHEIM, CA: After a fourth straight day of pre-emption due to the Major League Baseball division playoffs, the national "7th Heaven" Fan Club decided enough was enough and filed suit against both Major League Baseball and Disney, seeking an unspecified amount for psychological trauma and child endangerment.