NEW YORK, NY: Attorney General Eliot Spitzer announced today that the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) has contacted his office in conjuction with a class action lawsuit against CBS, stemming from a series of strokes, heart attacks, and blackouts associated with Wednesday's Victoria Secret Fashion Show telecast.

WASHINGTON, DC: The Federal Bureau of Investigation today reported what they termed "credible and verifiable" information towards al-Qaeda membership spending the coming winter months in Boca Raton, Florida.

GREENFIELD, MA: Voters in this small town, like many across the state and the country, voted this week in support of candidates aligned with President George W. Bush. Their support focused on one thing: raining metallic death upon countries they can't even locate on a map.