HOLLYWOOD, CA: The Hollywood Foreign Press Association announced the nominees for the 60th annual Golden Globe Awards today, adding two new categories to the variety of movie and television categories already in place: Skankiest Ho and Most Real Performer.

WASHINGTON, D.C.: The Republican Party moved quickly today to replace Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, deeply unpopular after making possibly racist remarks, with a baseball legend whose popularity defies his many character flaws.

LONDON: Future Harry Potter installments will feature massive social upheaval and "Hogwarts Public" faculty with photogenic furrowed brows.