HOLLYWOOD, CA: Noting that "you only turn 100 once," legendary entertainer Bob Hope celebrated his milestone birthday last night with a moving party that, when broken up this morning, left Hope jailed and facing a variety of charges.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION: The recent war with Iraq and the most sensational murder case of the 1990s were tied together earlier today when the "real killers," who O. J. Simpson has been looking for since his double-murder acquittal in 1995, announced that they had all of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction under their control.

WASHINGTON, DC: In a stunning development in the close race to name this season's American Idol, President George W. Bush claimed the title early this morning, stating "the discrepencies in the vote totals, and returns from key states, suggest that I have won this election."

GREENFIELD, MA: Local political observers wondered if Greenfield assessor Timothy Cosgrove would enter the town selectmen's race next year. They did not expect that Cosgrove would aim slightly higher and run for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.