BAGHDAD, IRAQ: Wary locals, not fully trusting American media, are largely ignoring reports that legendary entertainer Bob Hope passed away earlier this week.

WASHINGTON, DC: The American Bar Association announced today that they will merge with the National Basketball Association after a "very generous" offer was made by the league to bring the association in to "help NBA players with their legal representation needs."

LOS ANGELES, CA: The Fox television network announced today that the entire cast and crew of Love Cruise 2 was missing and presumed dead, save for the one contestant who is believed to have killed and possibly eaten the others.

ST. PAUL, MN: Over the long, slow holiday weekend, America's land of gophers, lakes, and dry Midwestern wit suddenly found itself without the ability to communicate even the simplest repartee.