NEW YORK, NY: Major League Baseball announced today that they were making their first suspension under the league's get-tough policy against gellin'.
WORCESTER, MA: Kaz Garcia moved to Massachusetts from Southern California ten years ago. Along with his friends and neighbors he's rooted for the Red Sox and even been to Fenway Park "about a dozen times." But he could not fully enjoy this week's championship celebrations because his first love, the San Diego Padres, still haven't won a championship in franchise history.
BOSTON, MA: The Boston Red Sox announced today that they had acquired the 509th Bomb Wing from the United States Air Force for Manny Ramirez, prospects, and free advertising on the Green Monster.
IRVING, TX: Tired of dealing with fan frustration over recent losing seasons, Dallas Cowboy head coach Bill Parcells today urged football fans to "stand behind this team one time and quit worrying about all the negative stuff and talking about last year's team and 10 years ago."
WASHINGTON, DC: The American Bar Association announced today that they will merge with the National Basketball Association after a "very generous" offer was made by the league to bring the association in to "help NBA players with their legal representation needs."
NEW YORK, NY: Days after appointing Derek Jeter team Captain, the New York Yankees announced that they had completed their version of the beloved 1970s pop duo.
CHICAGO, IL: A small, academically-oriented quiz bowl organization has called the results of this year's NCAA division 1 men's basketball tournament into question based on the winner, Syracuse, not being a top seed in the tournament.
DOHA, QATAR: The Palestinian Operative Front, a terrorist group barely known outside of the Middle East, claimed responsibility for the Oakland Raider's lopsided 48-21 loss in Super Bowl XXXVII scant minutes after the final whistle had blown.
WASHINGTON, D.C.: The Republican Party moved quickly today to replace Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, deeply unpopular after making possibly racist remarks, with a baseball legend whose popularity defies his many character flaws.
RIVERSIDE, CA: Two of California's most intellectually challenged scam artists got the deal of a lifetime Monday when each sold the other a bill of goods.
NEW YORK, NY: At a press conference outside MLB Advanced Media in Chelsea, Alex Rodriguez, Nomar Garciaparra, and Orlando Hernandez accused Major League Baseball of unfairly exploiting -- and poorly compensating -- the hispanic ball-playing population.
ANDOVER, MA: The day after the Boston Red Sox dropped their second straight game to the Chicago White Sox, former Red Sox general manager Dan Duquette announced today that he was firing his paper boy, 11 year old Mikey Peters.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT: Less than 48 hours after a rollicking send-off of the XIX Winter Olympic Games, residents of Salt Lake City returned to the dull and overearnest lifestyle that residents have embraced ever since the city was founded.
GREENFIELD, MA: Local man Chester Padillo made a public nusiance of himself yesterday, as he drove around town all day honking his horn and yelling in celebration of the New England Patriots' first Super Bowl title.
BOSTON, MA: Doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital here in Boston successfully removed a long, plastic horn from the rectum of a local man in a three hour procedure yesterday.
ARLINGTON, TX: The Texas Rangers announced today that they signed former NFL quarterback Jeff George to a 2 year contract for an unspecified amount of money.